Addiction
by wanderl-st
Summary: Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos and Faith were best friends; at least before they chose popularity over their friendship when she needed them the most. They're too stubborn to apologize, but what happens when they uncover a secret Faith has been hiding from everyone? OC no slash.
1. waiting for the end to come

**So, I had this story up on here before, but took it down and decided to re-write it a little before posting it again. Your feedback would mean a lot to me, so read and review! :-)**_  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush**

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_So this is how it feels to be insane? The world looks like a movie, it always plays. So how can hearts so young feel so much pain?_

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My life was playing in front of me, I was watching it like a movie, but I wasn't the one making the calls. Not anymore. It was the disease that pulled the strings. Have you ever been to the point in your life when you don't know what day it is because you don't remember the last time you had any sleep? Your life becomes a blue. All you think about is how many calories you've eaten that day, or how many you've burned. Some days I wish I don't exist. I wouldn't get up from my bed, I would just lay there and pretend I don't have a life to live; I didn't have to go to school or work. I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone I clearly wasn't anymore. I could just be myself. Those were the good days, those were the days I was able to ignore everything around me. Most days though, I would do everything I had to, but at the same time die inside. I felt like everything was slowly crashing down, but no one noticed. I would put on a smile, put up a brave front, even when I was such a coward inside.

* * *

The sun shone through the blinds in slivers, decorating the opposing wall with a golden glint. Small, twinkling, multi-colored lights decorated the ceiling. The two light settings clashed beautifully along the hardwood floor, dancing across it rythmically. My eyes were fixed on the forever moving lights on the patch of ceiling above me. I lay motionless in my bed; down feather blankets wrapped tightly around my small frame.

The sun had just begun to rise, signalling morning. I swallowed hard, pulling the soft fabric over my head and pulling my legs up, laying in a position similar to the fetal. My breathing came up in harsh puffs as the temperature rose beneath the blanket. I flinched as I heard my bedroom door creak open. The clicking of my mother's heels closened before a hand was placed atop the blanket, resting on my upper back.

"I'd get up now before your brother and sister if you want a hot shower." I groaned in frustration, earning a sigh from her. "Get up now or you're going to end up going to school with your hair like that." She spat, heels clicking a few more times more, followed by the slam of my door.

Slowly I pushed my blanket it, piling it in a small heap at the edge of my bed and inwardly cursing as I sat up. Sharp pains loitered my lower back as my eyes blurred. I hung my head slightly, plopping my hair into a messy bun at the top of my head. Pushing myself from my bed I stretched up onto my toes and pulled a small green plug from it's outlet, ceasing the dance of the small lights. As I walked past my dresser I avoided glancing in the mirror and opened my door, my eyes slitted as the morning sun poured through the skylight. A slight pounding could be heard from the stairs leading to my brother's room, so I quickly padded across the hall and into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me.

After my shower I made my way downstairs, clad in dark wash skinny jeans, and old ACDC graphic tee, and some black combat boots. My hair fell in loose waves to my mid-back, face made up with a small bit of foundation, thick eyeliner, and some mascara. I huffed as I opened the front door and stepped out into the brisk Minnesota air. Goosebumps quicly rose along my bare arms as I trudged down the street.

About 15 minutes later I was making my way up the stairs of Sherwood High School; my own personal hell. As I passed through the plexi glass doors the loud chatter and locker clanking began to fill my ears. A slight grin was threatening to cross my face as I noticed who was standing beside my locker. He stood a tall 6' 1", dressed in a red plaid flannel button up, skinny jeans, and a pair of vans. His back was to me as he talked amongst his friends, all of whom I used to know. I shook my head and stood behind him, twisting my combination into the metal lock that hung from my own locker. I tugged at the lock, but it didn't budge. I muttered a few curses as I tugged a bit more violently, earning the attention of the four boys beside me.

"Need some help?" The tall blonde questioned; a hint of laughter bubbling in his tone. I looked up, noticing how his forest green eyes glistened as they met with my own chocolate brown pair. A smirk was painted across his features, displaying his dimples. It wasn't until he motioned to my lock that I noticed I was simply staring at him, ignoring his question. I cleared my throat, fixing my eyes back on my lock.

"No Kendall, I got it." Once again I tugged at the lock, groaning when it hadn't unlocked like I'd hoped. He chucked and pulled the lock in his direction.

"What's your combination?" I leaned on my side against the adjacent locker, making sure to keep my eyes on the lock as I told him my combination. He carefully twisted the dial, freeing the lock and placing it in my awaiting hand. I swung open my locker, pulling a book from the top shelf and paying no attention to Kendall. He more than audibly cleared his throat a few times before I looked up at him, closing my locker simultaneously. "A thank you would be nice." He said sarcastically.

"Thank you, Kendall...thank you for actually helping me with a problem I was having," I laughed coldy, "I didn't even have to beg this time." The grin he was sporting quickly faded into a slight frown.

"Come on Faith, that was the past." I scoffed.

"I wasn't aware that time cured problems."

He inhaled deeply, thinking for a moment. "You weren't the only one dealing with shit."

"Yeah, being the town's star hockey player and gaining overnight popularity must be some tough shit." I rolled my eyes as he stepped closer. "You left...you all left." I directed the second half of my statement toward the three boys lingering behind Kendall. Their heads bowed as the words left my mouth. I walked off, not having anything left to say.

* * *

I sat quietly as everyone around me happily chatted and ate their lunches. My stomach was pulling in excruciating knots at the sight of food, so I stood up and headed for the door.

The air was chilly and blowing harshly, whipping my hair in multiple directions as I made my way up the concrete stairs leading to the large football field that was accompanied by a track and bleachers. I sat below the metal seats, holding my bag tightly in my lap. My breathing came out in short, rapid puffs, fog clouding as each breath escaped my lips. Reaching into my bag I pulled out a small cloth, unwrapping it to reveal a small metal blade. All the thoughts spinning in my head ceased as I ran my fingers along the sharp edge, not hard enough to draw blood. My hands began to tremble as I pulled my many bracelets up, laying the blade's edge againt my bare wrist.

_It was a beautiful Saturday night, the stars lighting up the night sky, a few small clouds lingering. The weather was warm and enveloped my body in its warmth. I watched as the flames of the bonfire crackled, roasting the marshmallow I had placed at the end of my stick._

_"Carlos, your marshmallow is on fire!" I laughed at the latino beside me quickly pulled the stick to his face, blowing on the once fluffy treat and placing it between two large graham crackers, plopping a few pieces of chocolate in also. "Oh thanks Carlos, you're so thoughtful." I quickly grapped the s'more, taking a large bite and laughing as his deep brown eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. As he reached to grab it from my hand I pushed the last of it in my mouth, my cheeks thick as I attempted to chew._

_"Doesn't she know that's just going to add to all the fat that she already has on her ass?" I swallowed hard as the blonde seated beside Kendall giggled. My heart sank as I watched him laugh, his eyes not bothering to look up at me._

I flinched as the memory flooded my mind, a few droplets of blood beginning to drip down the sides of my wrist as I dragged the blade across. My heart constricted as I lifted my gaze to notice a pair of eyes set right on me.


	2. i used to know you so well

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.**

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"C-Carlos, what are you doing out here? It- it's freezing!" I tossed my thing back into my bag, rising quickly, his mouth hung open as he stared.

"Kendall, he- he told us you were going through stuff, but- but not like this." His voice dripped with sadness as his chocolate brown eyes burned a hole through me. My heartbeat picked up as his eyes grazed slowly over my blood stained wrist, my heart was beating so loud that I'm sure Carlos could hear it clearly.

"You can't tell him! He doesn't know about this..." I whispered, hanging my head.

"What _does _he know about?" He knew almost nothing, he only knew about my father leaving. Kendall hadn't bothered to ask me how I'd been dealing with him leaving, he was always to preoccupied with Jo. Since the beginning of high school, everyday tore me and Kendall apart, him and the guys would inch farther and farther away from me and closer to Jo and her 'popular' friends. It was like everything I ever loved was slowly leaving me at once. How long until the next person vanishes before me?

"Don't tell anyone about this." I warned as I passed him.

"If you don't stay out here and talk to me, I'm telling." Pivoting on my heels, I made a 180 to look back at Carlos. "You need help, let me help..please?" His eyes drooped like a sad puppy, which I decided not to focus on, not wanting to give in. I quietly stared at my shoes, trying not to fall into spilling my guts to my former best friend.

"I'm going to be late for class Carlos."

He chuckled, which confused me. How was my being late for class in anyway funny?

"Once I tell Kendall he's not gonna leave you be. You know how he is." It was true, Kendall was persistent and stubborn, he would surely poke around and dig until he got what he was looking for. It was one of the good sides of his personality, but also the bad, it tended to get annoying, being pushed into talking about something you were clearly trying to hide. Half the time he didn't even come right out and make you say it, he had this way of sneaking around a subject and tricking you into telling him what he wanted to hear.

"Can we talk about this later? I have class, which I repeat, you're making me late for."

He rolled his eyes, taking a step closer. "This is your first day at school in like four days, what does skipping one class compare?"

I scoffed, tugging on one of his hoodie strings. "I was actually here on Friday." I stated matter-of-factly. Again, he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Fine! But can we at least go some place warm? It's freezing out here." I said, motioning to my bare arms.

"Yeah, come on." We turned in the direction of the school parking lot, climbing down the icy steps and walking quitely to a small 1988, black Honda Civic, parked right beside Kendall's old blue Sedan.

"You drive now?"

Carlos nodded his head enthusiastically as he pulled a set of keys from his pocket. "Yup. Have been for three months now." He smiled proudly as I laughed, opening the passenger door and sitting inside. "It's nice to hear your laugh again." I cleared my throat, ceasing the laughter and leaned back into the cool, leather seat.

"How many times did it take for you to pass the test?" Knowing Carlos, it was more than once. Carlos wasn't a complete idiot, but he _did _lack common sense.

_"Carlos, you're going too fast, you're going to fall!" A young Logan yelled out beside me, slowly pedalling his bike to match my speed. Carlos waved us off as he sped up._

_"You guys are just jealous that you can't bike this fast!" He teased, breaking into a fit of laughter. _

_Suddenly, a car whipped around the corner at the end of the street, Carlos jerkily turned his handle bars and pressed on his brakes, sending him whirling into someone's flower bed. We all dropped our bikes and ran to Carlos' aid as he spit out a stray flower petal._

_"Carlos, are you alright?" James questioned, reaching his hand out to help the boy up. Carlos looked at each of our faces, his shoes, then back up at us before smiling wildy._

_"THAT, WAS, AWESOME! It's a good thing I was wearing my helmet." He smiled, slapping the black hockey helmet that sat on his head before running back to his bike._

Carlos' grin faded as he turned his keys in the ignition, the engine purring to life.

"Seventeen." A scowl set upon his lips as I laughed wildy, thrashing from side to side in my seat. "Hey! The test isn't as easy as it seems! James failed twice." I couldn't help but laugh harder as he held up two fingers, wiggling them back and forth and smiling smugly.

"Car, that's fifteen times less than you." I managed to choke out between laughs. Carlos ignored me as he gripped the steering wheel and pulled out of the lot, lurching along into traffic, gliding past a few cars.

"Let's drop my driving and get back to what's important here...you." I took a deep breath. I'd been hoping he'd drop the whole thing or maybe even forget.

"Aren't you going to get in trouble for skipping?" He waved his hand nonchalantly as if saying he had it under control. It wouldn't be surprising if he didn't get in trouble, after all, he is friends with the popular kids now, they don't get in trouble for shit. Carlos' car was equipped with a Sony stereo, glowing with its many button. Music blared throughout the car, vibrating the seat beneath me as I pushed the power button. "Jesus Car, I know you love the biebs, but you could have warned me." The radio switched to Drive by Incubus as I clicked the next station button, twisting the volume knob down a few notches.

"Ha-ha, that just happened to be on the radio." I nodded, biting back a small grin. "Stop trying to distract me." Never have I ever heard Carlos speak in such a serious tone, his expression was flat as he glanced quickly at me.

"I don't know where to start..." I admit, I hadn't talked to anyone about this. My family knew, of course, they're just afraid to confront the problem and fuck up our already damaged family...or so I liked to think.

"Why do you do _that."_ He questioned, motioning to my wrist, keeping his eyes on the road ahead.

"It helps."

"Helps what?"

"The pain." A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I turned to look out the semi-frosted window, I quickly swatted it away.

"Kendall still loves you..just because you guys aren't as close-"

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT KENDALL! God, what, does he think he's the only important thing around here?" I screeched, balling my fists.

"Go on." Carlos pressed, putting a hand on my shoulder, gripping it lightly.

"My dad, he left. You know, up and left. If he loved us, why'd he go? Were we not good enough for him? I don't even get it. I begged him not to go, I promised I'd be good, that I'd pick up my grades in school, but he walked out the door, not even bothering to look back." Tears spilled over as I shook my head, they slowly dripped down my cheeks and hung under my chin. Carlos pulled over, keeping the car running and put a hand over mind. **This**, this is what I'd been waiting for, someone to care..someone to listen.

Turning my hand over, I interwined our fingers, a smile spreading across both our lips.

"Tell me more." I sighed heavily, clearing my throat.

"I'd gone to Kendall about all this, not that I didn't trust the rest of you guys, it's just, uh, he and I were closer, emotionally. Ya know? He was my go to guy, always giving me advice, talking me through things. He was that for all of us, the leader, but ever since the high school hockey season started he was so busy with it, becoming the star player and all. You guys were great at hockey, you still are. With greatness and success comes popularity, I get that, I wasn't jealous of that. I was jealous that you guys would rather go to some party and get wasted then hang out with me, call me, or even text me for christ sakes. And Kendall, I was jealous, jealous that he'd rather spend his time with Jo." I sneered at the sound of the blonde's name escaping my lips. "His relationship with her was always so much more important, he never had any time for me, none of you did. I'd sit at home alone, every single night and mope, wishing one of you guys would call or show up. Everything boiled down to small talk and eventually, no talk." I took a deep breath, peeking over at Carlos, who was intently staring back. "You all brushed me off whenever I'd make an effort, especially him. I'd call him crying and begging to talk about everything I was going through, to finally spill what I'd been bottling up, but he'd always tell me he was tired and we'd talk tomorrow. We never did though. He changed, you all changed." We sat in silence, Carlos still eagerly awaiting me to continue. "You guys got, mean?" I said, a hint of confusion in my voice as I questioned my use of the word. "Jo and her friends would make comments about my looks and weight and you guys just sat there..laughing."

"Faith, we-" I put a finger to his lips, silencing him.

"One night, you guys finally decided to invite me along, to Jo's beach side pool party..."

_The crashing of the waves played as a soundtrack to all the teens laughing, drinking, and just having a good times. I sat on a cream colored sectional at the edge of the deck watching as the sun began to set, shades of yellow, orange, and purple collided in the sky around a fiery orb; our sun._

_"What are you doing in your clothes? This is a pool party, silly!" I smiled politely as Jennifer tugged on my shirt. She stood at a mere 5' 4" with long bleached hair, baby blue eyes, and olive skin, her body covered in a red bikini, a size too small._

_"I'm fine like this."_

_"Aw, come on, don't be a party pooper." She teased before walking back over to Jo, who happend to __**not**__ be up Kendall's ass. Taking in Jennifer's comment I stood, unzipping my shorts and pulling off my top. My bathing suit hugged my body comfortably, it was red and black floral print, my top was snug over my chest and slitted in the middle to reveal a bit of cleavage. I smiled, satisfied with all the male attention I was now recieving. Jo glared as Kendall walked in my direction, holding a plate of food._

_"Look what I got u- woah, what do you think you're wearing." He set the plate down on the small wicker table and tried to cover my exposed skin with his hands, scowling at the guys who were looking. I rolled my eyes and sat down, Kendall following suit and pulling the plate between us, it consisted of a few chicken wings, potato salad, and some pasta salad._

_"Mmm, looks good." I smiled, beginning to devour the food alongside Kendall._

_It was around 11 when Jo announced she had a surprise. I stook beside Kendall and Logan as James and Carlos were engrossed in an intense game of rock, paper, scissors. I shook my head, smiling at the two goofballs. A large white screen was rolled down as a projector began powering on. What was she doing? Was she going to force us to watch her home videos or something? As the projector poured onto the blank screen a picture appeared. My heart sank like an anchor as I took in the image being broadcasted to everyone at the party. The picture was me in my bathing suit, eating, a pig nose photoshopped on my own with a few "moos" and "oinks" displayed in bubble letters around me. I could hear Kendall laughing beside me._

_"Why are you laughing?"_

_"Cause it's funny?" I scoffed, slapping his chest._

_"What do you mean it's funny?" I wiped my eyes quickly, pushing his arms away from me as he attempted to soothe me. "They're calling me fat!" I shrieked, gaining everyone's attention._

_"Well, you could lose a few, maybe 20 pounds. It's no wonder you're still a virgin." Jo spoke, giggling as she reached Kendall's side, wrapping her small fingers around his bicep._

_"I-I'm not a virgin!"_

_"Aw, don't try to lie. Kenny here tells me __**everything**__." Kendall suddenly found a strong interest in his shoes as I looked up at him. "Maybe daddy didn't like having a pig for a daughter."_

"He didn't even stick up for me. I-I can only imagine what else he told her." Looking up at Carlos, I swallowed hard, taking in his appearance; his eyes were glossy with tears that threatened to spill over as his chin quivered. "I-I don't eat. I'm scared to. I feel like everyone's watching. I work out to the point where I'm going to pass out. I'm trying so fucking hard to lose weight, but nothing is working!" I exclaimed, my voice cracking. "I beg my mom not to make me go to school so I don't have to face anyone. I lay in bed like...like a fat loser. Would my dad have wanted to stay if I was skinny? Would we still be friends if I was skinny? Would Kendall have wanted me and not Jo if-" I froze, "disreguard that last part."

"Do they tease you in school?" Carlos' eyes were sympathetic as his thumb traced circles on my hand.

"They draw pictures of pigs and shove them in my locker, they laugh and moo when I walk by..." I shook my head, leaning it back and staring blankly at the roof of the car.

"Faith, if we knew...if _I _knew...the guys, we miss you. Kendall does too, but he's just got his head too far up Jo's ass to realize it." I shrugged. "You've got to let me tell the guys, Logie will know what to do." Immediately I shot up, pulling my hand back and glared at him.

"No Car, the deal was that only you know."

"I can't know you're like this, hurting, and not do anything about it." I figured the guys, excluding Kendall, would maybe help. Being alone wasn't doing me any good, I missed my best friends, I missed not feeling like there was an unfixable chasm in my chest.

"Only if you promise Kendall won't find out..." He held a hand over his heart as he took my hand in the other.

"I promise."


	3. i caught fire in your eyes

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.**

* * *

It had been about two weeks since my talk with Carlos. We hadn't spoken since, so I wasn't exactly sure if Logan and James knew of our talk, or more or less, my situation. It depressed me a bit thinking that maybe I just wasn't that important to them anymore, but it also relieved me. There was no way the guys were going to help me, it was useless, I was _addicted._ My life was a blur; all I ever worried about was how many pounds I'd lost each day, how long I'd have to work out to lost my water weight, or how my body looked in the eye of everyone around me.

I sighed, getting up out of my bed and walking to the floor length mirror that hung on the wall beside my dresser. My eyes stung at the sight in the mirror as I pulled my shirt just above my ribs, which were clearly visible. I turned to the side, analyzing my shape; my stomach sucked inward, my hips protruded along with my ribcage. I hated how unhealthy I looked, but was also sickeningly enough, satisfied. A small smile creeped across my lips as I sucked my stomach in further. "Am I still fat, Jo?" I mumbled to myself, walking back to my bed and sitting at the edge.

Suddenly, the door ball rang. I groaned knowing I was the only one home and that there was no way in hell the dog would get the door. Teaching Oliver how to do that would be next on my to do list. I made my way downstairs and peeked out of the fogged up windows that lined the front door, two dark figures stood huddled behind the screen door. I couldn't make out their faces because of the fog that littered the window, but as I opened the door my eyes set upon a familiar pale young man, his espresso locks were gelled up perfectly, his chocolate brown eyes lighting up as he smiled. Beside him stood a tall, tan, pretty looking guy; his chesnut hair fell just above his hazel eyes, which unlike the boy beside him, did not light up, but held more of a sad demeanor.

"Logan...James." I adressed the two before being swooped up into each of their muscular arms.

"Back off Logan, I get first hug." James said, swatting Logan off and keeping his arms around my upper body. Cuda hairspray and manspray filled my nostrils as he held me, the smell was heavy, making me nauseous. I smiled a bit, remembering his obsession with the brand.

"Alright James, my turn." Logan piped in, pulling James off and practically lifting my feet off the ground into a bear hug, my own arms gripping him tightly.

"Well someone's gotten strong." Logan had always been the weaker one of the guys, he was always thin and scrawny, but his arms were now thickened with layers of muscle bulging from beneath his pale skin. I laughed as he set me down, a smile adorned both James' and Logan's faces.

"Uh, come in." I laughed awkwardly, side stepping as the two walked in.

"We're sorry we're here so late." It had only just struck noon a few minutes ago...Logan must've read the confusion on my face. "Carlos told us everything that day you guys talked, but we couldn't make any plans to get here without Kendall asking what we were up to." I nodded, playing with my fingers.

"Nice Spiderman pjs by the way." James added as I blushed, realizing I was still in my sleepwear.

"Well I wasn't fully aware that I was going to be having company, otherwise I would-"

"No wonder breakfast isn't made." James scoffed, looking over the hallway, taking in all the new photos that hung on the walls; it'd been awhile since he'd been inside my house, let alone near it. I hit his arm playfully before gripping it and pulling him to me wrapping my small arms around him, pushing my face into his strong chest.

"I've missed you." My words were muffled, but I knew he heard, he silently held me tighter. He smiled as I pulled back, moving to Logan and doing the same.

I led them to the living room where they sat opposite of me on the camel colored leather couch. Logan took a deep breath.

"We came to apologize."

"We're so sorry for not being there for you, for sticking by Kendall. We thought you were just being an overdramatic bitch-" James rambled before Logan shoved him and cut him off.

"If we'd known about everything you were dealing with we would've helped." He paused, looked at James and continued. "We can't help but feel like this is all our faults." He hung his head, James following his actions.

"It's no one's fault. God put me through all this for a reason...it's just fate." I shrugged.

"But you don't deserve any of the shit you go through, especially with Jo. I never and still don't see an ounce of fat on your body." Logan stated as I looked down, tracing the Spiderman symbol on my polyester sleep pants. "It's the truth." I shook my head, allowing hot tears to spill down my cheeks at a rapid pace. The boys bit back a gasp as I rose to my feet, pulling my shirt up and pinching the skin of my stomach between my fingers.

"FAT! This, it's fat. It's all I'm made up of. I'm so disgusted with myself all the fucking time. Every step I take I feel heavy and useless." Both boys mouths were gaped wide, eyes full of sympathy as they caught sight of my body. "I wish I didn't even exist. It's so hard to wake up in the morning just to be brought back into this endless misery. I hate it, I don't want it anymore, I don't want this anymore!" I screeched as I fell to the floor, huddled forward with my forehead to the plush carper. I felt both James' and Logan's hands on my back, rubbing it softly. James pulled me into his lap, sitting me up and laying me against his chest, he whispered soothing words in my ear as I shook against him.

"We're here, you're not alone anymore." Logan cooed behind us. My body tensed before relaxing into James' hold. I was so used to being alone that the boys' words struggled to sink in and actually mean something.

"How do I know you won't just leave again?" James looked over my expression, hesitating.

"You're going to have to trust us...I know, that sounds impossible, but you're going to have to try." He pulled a small knit bracelet off his wrist, sliding it on my own, wincing as his fingers ran across my damaged skin. The bracelet held strong meaning to James; it was the last thing he had of his own father who'd left him as a child.

"James, I can't keep this..."

"I'm trusting you to keep it safe just like you're going to trust us to keep you safe." I swallowed hard, nodding.

"This isn't going to be easy." I stated, James and Logan both smiling.

"We know that, but through hell or high water, we're here, forever." A smile grazed my own features as I began to accept the fact that there was no turning back now.

* * *

I sat quietly, staring at the plate of food before me.

"Just one bite." Carlos begged. All three boys' eyes were on me as I looked up, they eagerly awaited some kind of response.

"I-" I paused, "I don't like chicken. I'm a vegetarian." James broke out into a coughing fit, taking a seat on the stool beside me.

"Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." He smirked and picked up my fork, stabbing a piece of chicken onto the prongs and helt it to my mouth as I shook my head. "Chugga-chugga, choo choo." I opened my mouth to laugh at his childish behavior, but was cut off when he thrust the chicken in my mouth and held it shut.

"Chew." Logan ordered. I shook my head, keeping the food on my tongue. After a few minutes the flavor slowly began to seep into my taste buds. I hadn't tasted something so good in awhile, I hadn't tasted _anything _in awhile. The boys cheered as I slowly began to chew, swallowing it, I picked up the fork, taking in more and more of the delicious meal. I hadn't bothered to look up or even acknowledge the boys since I started eating but when I did, I realized the overwhelming look of excitement on their faces. Carlos ran to my side, tripping in the process and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"Oh Faith, we're so proud of you!" He gushed, swaying our bodies back and forth, almost pulling me off my stool. I smiled leaning into his embrace, but quickly tensed at the sound of a familiar voice echoing through the hallway.

"Guess who just got four tickets to the Minnesota Wild game on Saturday." His footsteps clacked closer and closer to the kitchen as we all frantically looked from one another.

"Quick, hide!" Carlos whispered harshly, shoving a miscellaneous lamp shade over my head.

"Carlos!"

"Sh! Lamps don't talk!" I sighed, crossing my arms.

"Is anyone-," the voice was now present in the kitchen, "who's that?"

"A lamp, duh." Carlos retorted, reaching below the shade and poking my nose, making a "ch" sound. "Bulb must be out." I rolled my eyes.

"How about you show me those tickets in better lighting...like outside. Come on Kendall." Logan's voice broke slightly between each statement as he tried to coax Kendall into leaving the kitchen. I figured the charade would only go on for so long, so I carefully removed the shade from my head and place it on the table top.

"Aw, come on! He was totally buying it!" Carlos whined, plopping down beside me.

"Totally." I said, patting his back. Kendall scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Why are you, uh, here?" He questioned. Like it was any of his business, this wasn't even his house and he was questioning my presence? I wasn't the one who ever so rudely barged in without knocking or ringing the doorbell like a normal, polite person.

"Uh..." I trailed off, raddling multiple excuses in my head, trying to pick the most rational one.

"School project." Logan piped up, saving me.

"On?"

"Someone's nosey." I said coldy, turning my attention to Kendall. He opened his mouth, but closed it quickly. "Well, maybe I should go, seeming you guys are going to gush about another thing Kendall failed to invite me to." I rose to my feet, but was quickly pushed back down my James.

"No, stay." I turned to him, mouthing a quick 'this is awkward.' He sighed, sliding his hand down the length of my arm and interwining our fingers, pulling me past Kendall and through the front hallway. "Faith and I are gonna grab some ice cream." He called out, and with that, we were out the door, on our way to the Dairy Dome.

* * *

"You're definitely cheating."

"James, you can't cheat in tic-tac-toe." I giggled before marking a thick line between my 3 horizontal o's. He sighed dramatically, leaning back and looking at me with an intense gaze. I quickly swatted at my face.

"Do I have ice cr-" I stopped, remembering our sundae hadn't even been delivered yet, I shook my head. "Why are you staring at me?"

"This is gonna sound bad since we've been friends for years, but I've never really taken time to really take in your beauty." I fidgeted awkwardly in my seat, keeping my eyes on James'.

"You're making me all self concious now." I laughed, covering my face and peeking out of the slits between my fingers. He chuckled, pulling my hands down and keeping them in his hold. A slight spark of electricy surged through my body at his touch.

"James?" A perky voice questioned. I quickly retracted my hands, looking at the tall, blonde waitress. I couldn't help but laugh at her uniform as she set our sundae down; it looked like a '60's diner outfit, complete with pigtails and roller skates. She skated away and I turned my attention to the treat before me.

"Our sundae...complete with gummy bears, cheesecake bits, and strawberries." I smiled, taking the spoon he held out for me.

"You remembered?" My cheeks lit up a shade of scarlett as the heat rose through them.

"Of course." He smiled his teeth glowing perfectly behind his lips. God, he was making my heart melt faster than this ice cream. I couldn't let myself be another victim to James' charming ways, or could I? We _were_ best friends...maybe the circumstances were different? I took a deep breath, pushing the thoughts aside and just enjoyed my time with James.


	4. forever and always

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.**

* * *

I'd been spending surplus amounts of time with James since the night at the Dairy Dome. Now, here I was, almost a month and a half later waiting in my front hall for him. I spent time with all of the guys, even Kendall the few times he was present. We'd make small talk, nothing more than a quick 'how's life' or something along those lines. I was well on my way to improving with my eating habits, I ate up to at least twice a week, still not _good, _but the guys were proud and that's all I cared about. I was broken from my thoughts as a knock sounded off the wooden door at the front of the hall, I smiled as I opened the door to reveal James holding out a pair of skates, a second pair dangling from his neck by the laces.

"Here you go, m'lady." I laughed as I took the skates from his hands and stepped out of the house.

"Are we playing one-on-one?" No hockey gear was present, so I figured he already had it at the rink, seeming it _was_ his second home.

"Nope, just going to the free skate."

"How romantic." I cooed sarcastically as he laughed, linking his arm with mine. "Are we having a candle lit dinner by the water afterwards?" I questioned, waving my hand as if I was displaying the scene I was invisioning before us.

We walked in silence for the most part, a few comments shared, but other than that we let the silence comfortably rest between us.

"I'm pretty sure you're cutting off my circulation." James chuckled, pulling the laces on my skate tighter and tying them as I groaned, tilting my head back against the metal lockers.

"Oh stop being dramatic." Pulling me to stand beside him we made our way into the rink, skating along the chipped ice with a few other couples and some single bodies.

I quickly wrapped my arms around James' muscular torso as my skate fell into a deep rut, threatening to pull me down. "You alright?" James wrapped an arm securely around my waist and held my hand in his other as we stood at the edge of the rink, people skating past us. I kept my eyes on his lips as he spoke, nodding to whatever it was he was saying, it's not like I was paying any attention to the words he was speaking, I was too busy wondering how soft his lips were. Aimlessly, I ran my fingertip along his bottom lip, him pursing his lips against my touch in response, smiling. Slowly, he leaned down close to my height, tilting his head at a slight angle and closing the distance between our lips. The kiss was short, but sweet. I blushed as he pulled away, leaning my body closer into his embrace. As I opened my mouth to speak I was interrupted.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Turning, we were faced with an angry Kendall and an annoyed looking Jo trailing not far behind him. James and I quickly exchanged confused glances before Kendall grabbed me, forcing me to skate out of the rink with him, leaving James and Jo on the ice. Kendall glared as I pulled my arm from his grip.

"Why the fuck were you kissing him?" He hissed, his hands balled up in fists as his sides.

"Why do you care?" I countered nonchalantly, his face reddened with anger before he set himself with a relaxed expression.

"I don't." He stated simply, to which I rolled my eyes.

"Then why are you throwing a bitch fit?" His eyes dropped to the ground as he remained silent. "Well, I'm going to get back to James now." I turned, stepping back onto the ice.

"I'm sorry!" He blurted, turning me and engulfing me in a bone crushing hug. Keeping my hands at my sides I wondered if it was Kendall's time of the month. "I know I fucked up big time and I haven't had the balls to say it until now."

"Why now?" _Why now_? Out of all the times in the past two years and he decides to apologize now?

"I-I don't want James to have you..or the guys. You're supposed to be mine, you've always been mine."

I scoffed, pushing him off me. "Kendall, I'm not an object, no one has ownership over me."

He sighed heavily, running a hand through his sandy blonde locks. "Why can't you just forgive me?"

"Goodbye Kendall." I ignored him as he called my name. Skating back to James I took his hand and exited from the opposite side of the rink.

* * *

My day for the most part had gone by as usual; I was seated on the cold, metal bleachers watching small, white flecks of snow fall lightly. My body was covered in nothing but a loose Ramones tank top, dark wash skinny jeans, and black combat boots. The snow rested on my skin, numbing it. I'd skipped lunch today, leaving the guys worried. As if on cue, my phone buzzed to life in my bag, probably with another text from James. I sighed, raking my fingers through my now damp hair.

For the past few months I'd become skilled at masking my emotions. To the guys, I was well on my way to making a strong recovery, which I was, but there was always one thing pulling me back; my mind, it was poisoned. Eating was no longer my struggle; keeping it down was. I was disappointed that I'd been allowing myself to fall back into old habits; stepping on the scale multiple times a day in hopes of the number being a tiny bit lower, being frightened by the thought of gaining weight, only now, my habits were different. I would eat, but immediately feel guilty; guilty that I'd actually allow myself to stuff myself with food. A voice in the back of my head would nag at me, the food filling my stomach sat heavy until it was nothing but remnants in the toilet. The guys had helped me for awhile, but I wasn't cured, I don't think I would ever be cured. This is the way I was born, broken and unfixable. My poisonous thoughts would flood my brain the second I was alone, drowning me until I succumbed to their evil ways, I was a victim to my own mind. I had no control, this dreaded disease pulled all the strings, working me as its own personal puppet. As hard as I fought to keep myself from going under the harder it would get. For every positive thought, there were five negative ones sneaking up.

I shook my head, jumbling my thoughts in an attempt to rid my mind of the poison within' it.

A metal pang rang out into the open field and surrounding woods as someone stepped up on the bleachers.

"I thought I might find you here." Kendall spoke, climbing the few steps to where I resided and sat beside me. Pressing my lips in a hard line, I kept my eyes on the field, bobbing my knees beneath my elbows. "Are you alright?" He questioned cautiously. I shook my head, looking at him with tears threatening to spill over.

"I'm such a mess. I can't take it anymore." My voice broke as the words escaped my lips, barely above a whisper.

"Take what?"

"Life."

"I know you loved your dad, but life goes on. You have to forgive and forget." I clenched my teeth, clearly agitated at the fact that Kendall was clueless. "I really wish you'd forgive me."

"Just so I can forget you?"

"Well, no, not exactly. I want you to fogive me and forget all this animocity. I want my best friend back."

"I can promise you that's never gonna happen."

"Why not?" He yelled, startling me a bit as he rose to his feet. "Why do the guys get off the hook? They didn't run after you either!"

"I forgive you Kendall."

"See that's not-," he paused, "what?"

"I forgive you, but you're not getting your best friend back." He looked at me, a confused look present in his mossy green eyes. "I'm not the same, I haven't been for awhile." Sitting beside me, he pulled me close.

"I know." I shook my head, crashing my face in my palms and digging my fingernails into my skull, frustrated.

"You don't." A few tears dribbled down my cheeks, dropping onto the freshly fallen snow beneath the bleachers, creating small pinholes.

"What don't I know?" I carefully thought of each possible outcome if I'd come clean to Kendall, weighing pros and cons. My heart ached at the thought of Kendall returning to his rightful place in my life...But what If that wasn't the outcome? What if my possible decision only damaged things further beyond repair? I turned in his direction, looking into his eyes.

"You really want to know?" He nodded, taking my hands in his own placing them in his lap.

Once again I was stuck and had no way to turn back.

* * *

Kendall's eyes were clouded with tears as my story progressed, a few spilling over his lids as I squeezed his hands in my own trembling pair.

"I can't believe Jo would do things like that, she's not like that around me." I thought for a minute before pulling my hands back.

"Why did you laugh when she made that picture of me, or when she called me fat at the bonfire, or-,"

"I'm a guy, I didn't think it was a big deal."

"YOU LAUGHED! You laughed at the fact that she was calling me a pig."

"And I felt like shit after, I swear."

I scoffed. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Past Faith...We're forgiving and forgetting, remember?" I sighed, pulling his hands back into my own, this time resting them in my lap.

"It's not easy Kendall." Leaning in closer he trailed a hand up, resting it on my cheek, his breath hot, mingling with my own.

"You are absolutely beautiful. You were then and you still are, skinny, fat, tall, or short, I still love you the same."

"I love you too, through everything, you're still my best friend." He smiled, slowly dunking his head down and leaning his lips closer to mine.

"Kendall, what are you doing?" It's not that I didn't want to kiss him, I always have wanted to, but I couldn't.

"What's wrong?"

"I-I'm dating James."

"You're what?" He spat venemously, leaning away from me as if I was diseased. I stared at him with a blank expression, the look in his eyes quickly changed from anger to hurt.

"Kendall, I-"

"Whatever Faith." He bowed his head, ruffling his finger through his hair. Why was he getting so butthurt over me and James dating? It's not that big of a deal. In fact, him and the guys used to tease us saying we would probably end up married and having pretty babies just because we got along so well, not as well as Kendall and I though, Kendall and I had our own kind of bond, one that I never have and never will have with anyone but him.

"I don't understand how you can even be mad right now."

"You're dating my best friend, why wouldn't I be mad?"

"You have a girlfriend-," then it hit me as I remembered the small blonde, "speaking of Jo, you were just about to kiss me! Do you not remember she's your girlfriend? I refuse to be the other woman OR a cheater." I crossed my arms across my chest as he sat back down, shaking his head.

"She cheats on my with Jett, so who cares." My mouth hung open as I stuttered, trying to catch the right words.

"Then why the hell are you with her?"

"Sex, popularity-," he held his hands up, waving them over each other as his eyes zoned into the field, "the feeling of being wanted." He sighed, resting his hands in his lap, his thick, dark eyebrows furrowing beneath his shaggy hair, which was now sticking to his head due to the snow that carelessly fell around us.

"Kendall, plenty of people besides Jo want you. You're handsome, caring, funny, smart. You're basically a total stud." He chuckled, shaking his head and looking up at me.

"Not the one person that I want." I swallowed hard.

"And who's that?" He gave me a 'really, come on' look as I giggled. "I want you Kendall, I do, but as nothing more than my friend." There I was, lying through my teeth as the one guy I've always wanted finally admit that he wanted me, nobody else, just me.

"Not even as a best friend?" His bottom lip protruded as I elbowed him playfully, a smile growing on my lips as he rested an arm over my shoulders. "Best friends?"

I smiled, tucking my head below his chin. "Forever and always."


End file.
